RED HOODIE
By David D. Stranger
Will Wolf woke up one morning in his forest, as usual. He had lived in it all his life, and never left it. It was an area he admired.
He was old, and he was grey, and sometimes he walked upon his hind legs, but this only happened because it made it easier to scratch when he had fleas.
He was going to his customary spot behind a blackberry bush when he heard footsteps. They came towards him, and stopped.
He looked over his shoulder. Towering over him, in tracksuit pants and a red hooded top, with several piercings in painful-looking places, stood a girl chav. What's a girl chav called? A chavette? Wolf wasn't sure. What puzzled him most, though, was the fact she was carrying a basket.
Patiently, he got up and went behind another bush.
The chav in the red hoodie followed.
This happened five times before he became fed up, spun around and snarled, "Do you mind? I'm trying to do my business here!"
There was a minor confrontation in which Wolf was left half-way up a tree with spray-paint on his nose.
Not one to have his curiosity dulled, he cried out, "And where do you think YOU'RE going?"
She replied, "Me Nan's. This basket wot 'as stuff in it's for her, innit?"
Wolf highly doubted that was the truth. He decided to create a diversion and go to find her so-called Nan. There was only one old lady he knew of who lived in the middle of the forest, and he was sure she didn't have any relations.
"I'd better warn her about unexpected visitors," he thought.
Once out of the tree, he trotted up to the girl. "You know there's a short-cut to your grandmother's. Through there."
As he said this, he pointed into the fir trees, away from the brightness of the path.
She glared at him with suspicion, but not being as bright as the path, she turned away and took the "short-cut."
When she was out of sight, Wolf sped down the track to the elderly woman's house. He knocked on the door.
No one answered.
He found the latch undone. Frowning, he gingerly pushed it open with one claw.
Hmm. Either she was in and having a nap, or she was out and asking for three bears to visit. Wolf decided to be a good citizen and make sure no other animals or people came in until the woman came back or woke up.
Unfortunately, it started raining.
Wolf slunk inside to take shelter. He was cold, he was wet, and he was tired.
He sat in the kitchen and waited. And he waited. Slowly, he became aware of an unpleasant smell filling his nostrils. He got nosy and followed the scent, sniffing all over the house.
Sniff sniff. The smell led him upstairs, into the bathroom. It was coming from the toilet. Wrinkling his nose up in disgust, he closed the door and dithered on the landing, not knowing what to do next.
The lady's bedroom was opposite the bathroom, and the door was wide open.
"Seeing as I'm this far in," he thought, "I'll have a recce, check to see if she's really out."
So he went in.
Wolf had never been in a house before. He picked up an alarm clock, standing on his hind legs, and studied it with interest.
"Funny box that ticks," he muttered. Then it rang.
"Argh!"
Wolf jumped ten feet in the air, juggled the clock and proceeded to throw it out of the window.
It was dark in that room. Wolf was all alone, in someone else's home, and he felt frightened now.
You know how it is when you're bored and you start scaring yourself silly as something to do? This was what Wolf began doing.
He stared at the wardrobe.
"What's this box for? It's huge." In the dark, it looked like a coffin.
"It looks like it could hide two men," Wolf said aloud, and wished he hadn't. What if it DID hide someone? And they were waiting for him to let his guard down, before they sprang out and... ATE him. These kind of things did happen. Wolf had heard people in foreign countries ate dogs.
That did it. He'd have to check no one was in the wardrobe, before he could be at ease.
Tiptoe. Tiptoe. Creeeeeaaaakkk.
It was a large wardrobe, and he couldn't see the back. However, it didn't seem like anyone was in there, so that was fine. But what was all this hanging on hooks?
Wolf was still cold and wet, and he had nothing to do. So he put the old lady's dressing gown on. That was better. Normally, at this time in the afternoon he fell asleep, and he was still a bit cold, so he crawled into the bed and drew the covers up to his chin. He was dropping off to sleep when, inevitably, someone knocked on the door downstairs.
He couldn't be bothered to answer it, so he called, "Who is it?"
Whoever it was marched in and started thunking up the stairs. The door swung open. Oh no. It was the girl. And the basket.
"Hi Nan," the girl announced. "Brought you some well good sandwiches, innit?"
Wolf stared in horror and pulled the duvet up to his nose. Thankfully, it was too dark for her to see it was not her Nan in the bed, but a wolf. What was more, she had been telling the truth. The lady who lived here did have relations. So there Wolf was, dressed in women's nightwear, thinking, "Er...how shall I get out of this one?"
He brazened it out, saying in a wavering, high-pitched voice, "Thank you, dear. That's very sweet."
The girl frowned. "Nan? You sound different. What are you doin' in bed? You sick?"
"Yes, I...I got a chill, didn't I?" Wolf replied.
"What do grandmothers do? Help, help!" he thought. An idea struck him.
"Why don't you come over here and...er...give your granny a big kiss?" he asked uncertainly. "Haven't you grown...a lot?"
The girl shuffled to the foot of the bed, embarrassed, then stopped. She stared.
"Here we go," Wolf thought. "Those stupid remarks."
"Eh, gran," she said. "What a great stonking nose you have."
Feeling hungry, Wolf said, "All the better to smell those sandwiches. What's in them?"
"Ketchup," she said. "Your favourite. Crikey...what big eyes you have...and how yellow and...bloodshot."
"Well, it is dark in here," Wolf sighed. "All the better to see you with." He yawned.
The girl in the red hoodie gawked even harder. "What...what well big teeth you have, innit?"
"Yes. So I can eat those sandwiches. Pass the basket."
The girl gave him the basket, and Wolf ate the whole lot, including the basket.
Someone else knocked at the door. It was the Woodcutter. In fact, it wasn't a knock, but more of a crash, because he was using a tree he cut down earlier as a battering ram. This was because he was deranged.
As he stormed upstairs, he shouted, "Mother! Have you seen my reading-glasses? I think I must have left them here this morning."
The girl froze. The Woodcutter would find out she had broken his glasses earlier! Panicking, she looked to the wardrobe -- which could hide two men -- and hid in it.
Two men seized hold of her and kidnapped her. They took her to Narnia.
The Woodcutter burst in. He saw Wolf shivering in the bed and recognised him.
"Wolf! Get out of that bed and get those clothes off! And put them back where you found them! Especially the socks," he gagged. "They smell awful."
"They taste bad, too," Wolf sympathised.
The Woodcutter peered closely at Wolf. "What have you done with my mother? And my daughter is meant to be here. What have you done with her? Is that...you've eaten them! You told me you were vegetarian!"
Wolf tried to explain, but the Woodcutter interrupted, "Don't lie to me. You've got blood around your mouth."
Wolf frowned, wiped his mouth. "No, you berk. That's tomato sauce."
"Tomato sauce, my foot!" The Woodcutter cried.
Then he sat down and began to look at his watch.
"Aren't you going to chop my head off?" Wolf said in confusion.
"No. I'm not a murderer, unlike some people around here. I'm waiting."
"For what?" Wolf asked.
"I'm going to sit here and wait for them to come out the other end."
So they waited.
They waited for forty days and forty nights, in which it never stopped raining, because Wolf sang under his breath.
When it did stop, Wolf glanced out of the window and said, "What's that stuck in that tree over there? Looks like an ark."
The Woodcutter drummed his fingers on the bedside table and said, "This is taking a long time."
"I'm telling you I haven't eaten them," Wolf said. "Your daughter is hiding in the wardrobe."
"I saw the wardrobe was empty when you put the clothes back. I'm not stupid, sunshine."
The Woodcutter stood up and picked Wolf up by the scruff of his neck. He carried him in this manner to the nearest hospital. Once there, he said to the receptionist,
"I'd like to book an X-ray."
The receptionist looked them up and down, and said, "I'm afraid you need to have something fractured to demand an X-ray. It needs to be an emergency."
"This IS an emergency!" the Woodcutter yelled. "This critter has eaten my mother and daughter!"
"Whole?" The receptionist grimaced. "How big are your mother and daughter?"
"Are you implying they're overweight?" he snarled.
"No," she said with extreme patience. "How tall are they?"
"I dunno...about this high." The Woodcutter gestured with the flat of his hand.
"It's impossible for an animal that high to eat two people taller than it, not all at once."
"Whuh?"
"Oh, never mind," she snapped, grabbing her coat. "We're closed."
The Woodcutter brought Wolf home with him. On the way, he bought a lead.
"You're domesticating me now, are you?" Wolf said.
"I reckon," The Woodcutter said, "that if my mother and my kid are stuck inside you, I might as well look after you, and in doing so I take care of them. Agreed?"
Wolf thought. "I suppose I could do with retiring."
So they lived reasonably well for the foreseeable future, and Wolf got taken for walks twice a day.
As for the girl in the red hoodie, there was that terrible incident with the walking tree...
He was old, and he was grey, and sometimes he walked upon his hind legs, but this only happened because it made it easier to scratch when he had fleas.
He was going to his customary spot behind a blackberry bush when he heard footsteps. They came towards him, and stopped.
He looked over his shoulder. Towering over him, in tracksuit pants and a red hooded top, with several piercings in painful-looking places, stood a girl chav. What's a girl chav called? A chavette? Wolf wasn't sure. What puzzled him most, though, was the fact she was carrying a basket.
Patiently, he got up and went behind another bush.
The chav in the red hoodie followed.
This happened five times before he became fed up, spun around and snarled, "Do you mind? I'm trying to do my business here!"
There was a minor confrontation in which Wolf was left half-way up a tree with spray-paint on his nose.
Not one to have his curiosity dulled, he cried out, "And where do you think YOU'RE going?"
She replied, "Me Nan's. This basket wot 'as stuff in it's for her, innit?"
Wolf highly doubted that was the truth. He decided to create a diversion and go to find her so-called Nan. There was only one old lady he knew of who lived in the middle of the forest, and he was sure she didn't have any relations.
"I'd better warn her about unexpected visitors," he thought.
Once out of the tree, he trotted up to the girl. "You know there's a short-cut to your grandmother's. Through there."
As he said this, he pointed into the fir trees, away from the brightness of the path.
She glared at him with suspicion, but not being as bright as the path, she turned away and took the "short-cut."
When she was out of sight, Wolf sped down the track to the elderly woman's house. He knocked on the door.
No one answered.
He found the latch undone. Frowning, he gingerly pushed it open with one claw.
Hmm. Either she was in and having a nap, or she was out and asking for three bears to visit. Wolf decided to be a good citizen and make sure no other animals or people came in until the woman came back or woke up.
Unfortunately, it started raining.
Wolf slunk inside to take shelter. He was cold, he was wet, and he was tired.
He sat in the kitchen and waited. And he waited. Slowly, he became aware of an unpleasant smell filling his nostrils. He got nosy and followed the scent, sniffing all over the house.
Sniff sniff. The smell led him upstairs, into the bathroom. It was coming from the toilet. Wrinkling his nose up in disgust, he closed the door and dithered on the landing, not knowing what to do next.
The lady's bedroom was opposite the bathroom, and the door was wide open.
"Seeing as I'm this far in," he thought, "I'll have a recce, check to see if she's really out."
So he went in.
Wolf had never been in a house before. He picked up an alarm clock, standing on his hind legs, and studied it with interest.
"Funny box that ticks," he muttered. Then it rang.
"Argh!"
Wolf jumped ten feet in the air, juggled the clock and proceeded to throw it out of the window.
It was dark in that room. Wolf was all alone, in someone else's home, and he felt frightened now.
You know how it is when you're bored and you start scaring yourself silly as something to do? This was what Wolf began doing.
He stared at the wardrobe.
"What's this box for? It's huge." In the dark, it looked like a coffin.
"It looks like it could hide two men," Wolf said aloud, and wished he hadn't. What if it DID hide someone? And they were waiting for him to let his guard down, before they sprang out and... ATE him. These kind of things did happen. Wolf had heard people in foreign countries ate dogs.
That did it. He'd have to check no one was in the wardrobe, before he could be at ease.
Tiptoe. Tiptoe. Creeeeeaaaakkk.
It was a large wardrobe, and he couldn't see the back. However, it didn't seem like anyone was in there, so that was fine. But what was all this hanging on hooks?
Wolf was still cold and wet, and he had nothing to do. So he put the old lady's dressing gown on. That was better. Normally, at this time in the afternoon he fell asleep, and he was still a bit cold, so he crawled into the bed and drew the covers up to his chin. He was dropping off to sleep when, inevitably, someone knocked on the door downstairs.
He couldn't be bothered to answer it, so he called, "Who is it?"
Whoever it was marched in and started thunking up the stairs. The door swung open. Oh no. It was the girl. And the basket.
"Hi Nan," the girl announced. "Brought you some well good sandwiches, innit?"
Wolf stared in horror and pulled the duvet up to his nose. Thankfully, it was too dark for her to see it was not her Nan in the bed, but a wolf. What was more, she had been telling the truth. The lady who lived here did have relations. So there Wolf was, dressed in women's nightwear, thinking, "Er...how shall I get out of this one?"
He brazened it out, saying in a wavering, high-pitched voice, "Thank you, dear. That's very sweet."
The girl frowned. "Nan? You sound different. What are you doin' in bed? You sick?"
"Yes, I...I got a chill, didn't I?" Wolf replied.
"What do grandmothers do? Help, help!" he thought. An idea struck him.
"Why don't you come over here and...er...give your granny a big kiss?" he asked uncertainly. "Haven't you grown...a lot?"
The girl shuffled to the foot of the bed, embarrassed, then stopped. She stared.
"Here we go," Wolf thought. "Those stupid remarks."
"Eh, gran," she said. "What a great stonking nose you have."
Feeling hungry, Wolf said, "All the better to smell those sandwiches. What's in them?"
"Ketchup," she said. "Your favourite. Crikey...what big eyes you have...and how yellow and...bloodshot."
"Well, it is dark in here," Wolf sighed. "All the better to see you with." He yawned.
The girl in the red hoodie gawked even harder. "What...what well big teeth you have, innit?"
"Yes. So I can eat those sandwiches. Pass the basket."
The girl gave him the basket, and Wolf ate the whole lot, including the basket.
Someone else knocked at the door. It was the Woodcutter. In fact, it wasn't a knock, but more of a crash, because he was using a tree he cut down earlier as a battering ram. This was because he was deranged.
As he stormed upstairs, he shouted, "Mother! Have you seen my reading-glasses? I think I must have left them here this morning."
The girl froze. The Woodcutter would find out she had broken his glasses earlier! Panicking, she looked to the wardrobe -- which could hide two men -- and hid in it.
Two men seized hold of her and kidnapped her. They took her to Narnia.
The Woodcutter burst in. He saw Wolf shivering in the bed and recognised him.
"Wolf! Get out of that bed and get those clothes off! And put them back where you found them! Especially the socks," he gagged. "They smell awful."
"They taste bad, too," Wolf sympathised.
The Woodcutter peered closely at Wolf. "What have you done with my mother? And my daughter is meant to be here. What have you done with her? Is that...you've eaten them! You told me you were vegetarian!"
Wolf tried to explain, but the Woodcutter interrupted, "Don't lie to me. You've got blood around your mouth."
Wolf frowned, wiped his mouth. "No, you berk. That's tomato sauce."
"Tomato sauce, my foot!" The Woodcutter cried.
Then he sat down and began to look at his watch.
"Aren't you going to chop my head off?" Wolf said in confusion.
"No. I'm not a murderer, unlike some people around here. I'm waiting."
"For what?" Wolf asked.
"I'm going to sit here and wait for them to come out the other end."
So they waited.
They waited for forty days and forty nights, in which it never stopped raining, because Wolf sang under his breath.
When it did stop, Wolf glanced out of the window and said, "What's that stuck in that tree over there? Looks like an ark."
The Woodcutter drummed his fingers on the bedside table and said, "This is taking a long time."
"I'm telling you I haven't eaten them," Wolf said. "Your daughter is hiding in the wardrobe."
"I saw the wardrobe was empty when you put the clothes back. I'm not stupid, sunshine."
The Woodcutter stood up and picked Wolf up by the scruff of his neck. He carried him in this manner to the nearest hospital. Once there, he said to the receptionist,
"I'd like to book an X-ray."
The receptionist looked them up and down, and said, "I'm afraid you need to have something fractured to demand an X-ray. It needs to be an emergency."
"This IS an emergency!" the Woodcutter yelled. "This critter has eaten my mother and daughter!"
"Whole?" The receptionist grimaced. "How big are your mother and daughter?"
"Are you implying they're overweight?" he snarled.
"No," she said with extreme patience. "How tall are they?"
"I dunno...about this high." The Woodcutter gestured with the flat of his hand.
"It's impossible for an animal that high to eat two people taller than it, not all at once."
"Whuh?"
"Oh, never mind," she snapped, grabbing her coat. "We're closed."
The Woodcutter brought Wolf home with him. On the way, he bought a lead.
"You're domesticating me now, are you?" Wolf said.
"I reckon," The Woodcutter said, "that if my mother and my kid are stuck inside you, I might as well look after you, and in doing so I take care of them. Agreed?"
Wolf thought. "I suppose I could do with retiring."
So they lived reasonably well for the foreseeable future, and Wolf got taken for walks twice a day.
As for the girl in the red hoodie, there was that terrible incident with the walking tree...
