Big Business As Usual
by Will Winkle
Light from each of the three screens reflected off his reading glasses, though the man’s attention was given exclusively to the document open on the centre monitor. Both the glasses and the set of monitors had the sleek, understated, and overall very plain look only possible by being very expensive. A quick succession of mouse-clicks skipped ahead in the document to a set of tables and graphs referencing earlier materials. Removing his reading glasses - which were gingerly tossed in front of the monitors - the man slowly breathed in through his nose. Keeping his eyes on the now out-of-focus screens, he let his breath out in an airy hum.
Raising an open hand in gesture at the screens, the man behind the desk asked, “And this is all final, right? You aren’t expecting any revisions or updates or anything like that?”
He looked to the only other person in the room, who sat in one of the leather chairs on the other side of the desk. Both men were clearly of an income level in which they could dictate their own work attire but both were also of an age group where this simply meant nice jeans and a dress shirt without a tie.
The man in front of the desk, who had been sitting silently whilst the other man read, straightened himself as well as he could in the oddly-sloped chair and nodded as he spoke. “Yes, I would say so. We combed through every bit of information on the matter, and… yeah, I’d say it’s pretty conclusive.”
The man behind the desk swivelled his chair to the left, bringing his legs out from under the desk, giving him room to cross his right one over his left. “Well, I have to admit, I had suspected something like this for a while now, but seeing it laid out like this… It’s just…” He let out another humming exhale. “Nothing?”
“Nothing.” The uncomfortably-seated man swept a downward palm in front of himself in emphasis.
“No products,” said the man behind the desk.
“No products.”
“And no services.”
“No services.”
“We’re a Fortune 500 company.”
“Worth forty-eight billion dollars,” the man in front of the desk added.
“We operate in almost two dozen countries.”
“Sixty-five thousand employees, give or take, including subsidiaries, of course.”
“And we don’t produce anything?” the man behind the desk asked, shrugging his shoulders with palms held upwards in front of him.
The other man slowly shook his head from side to side. “No goods and no services.”
The man behind the desk stared into space for a second. “And the company is paid to do nothing?” he eventually asked.
“Well, I believe that a more apt way of phrasing it would be that we are paid without doing any specific actions expected in return. The way you put it before implied that the company is paid for the activity of doing nothing, which would actually mean we are being paid to do something… in a way.”
“But how can that be? Do you understand what I’m confused about here?”
“Oh, absolutely. Frankly, I’m still quite confused about the situation myself.”
“Did we used to do something?”
“Oh,” the man in front of the desk said, making a vague gesture with his hand. “There were hints of such activities in our findings but not anything recent. Not anything that would have made any impact on our current situation.”
The man behind the desk uncrossed his legs and leaned towards the man across from him. “But, we have contracts,” he said.
The other man sat silently for several seconds until it became abundantly clear to both parties that he was supposed to respond. “Yes… yes, we do. Um... and in fact those very same contracts make up a good deal of our findings.”
“And we deliver on these contracts?”
“To the letter with each and every one.”
“And those contracts…” the man behind the desk drew out his words in insinuation. “Say that we… don’t have to…”
“... do anything in particular. That is correct.”
“But we’re compensated for this, right?”
“Right.” The man in front of the desk delivered this word with a nod.
The affirmative answer to this question worked only to confuse the man behind the desk further, exhibited by rubbing his forehead with his right hand. “So, other companies pay us to do nothing… or nothing in particular. And in return they get…?”
“Well, taking a look at the sample of companies we’ve had contracts with, each saw a significant increase in their stock prices after announcing the contract with our corporation.”
“Oh, yes, yes. I remember saying that at the shareholders’ meeting a few years ago. Everyone was very impressed. But why does that happen?”
“Well, if forced to guess, I would say it’s because we are a very large company. So, doing business with us must mean that things are going in the right direction with said contracted company.”
The man behind the desk leaned back in his chair, interlocking his hands with the index fingers steepled. “I suppose that checks out,” he said through the index fingers in front of his mouth.
“And that includes our subsidiaries as well,” added the man in front of the desk.
“When other companies announce contracts with them, you mean?”
“Oh, I suppose so, yes, but I also meant that our subsidiaries’ stock value also increases whenever they announce a contract with us.”
The man behind the desk cocked his head to the side. “Wait, so we pay ourselves to do nothing?”
“Yes, but we do also pay our subsidiaries to do nothing. So, in a way, it equals out.”
“So you’re saying our subsidiaries also do nothing?”
“Um, yes, that is what I am saying.”
“But most of those were acquisitions. We really purchased companies that weren’t doing anything?”
“Oh no, most were doing something at the time of acquisition, don’t get me wrong, but afterwards, that activity was phased out or sold off as a cost-saving measure.”
“But the revenue continued to come in?”
“Correct.”
The man behind the desk reclined in thought for a moment. “One of those subsidiaries has a very popular subscription program,” he stated. “Is that no longer running? We talked about that for quite some time during the last shareholders’ meeting.”
“No, the subscription service is still going strong. It’s just that…”
“It doesn’t provide anything. Why do you think somebody would subscribe to something they don’t get anything from?”
“Perhaps people just assumed they should be subscribed to it and simply forgot.”
“Seems silly…” the man behind the desk said, though trailed off, pondering over whether or not he himself had a paid subscription to the aforementioned subsidiary. Looking to move on, he quickly asked, “What about the government?”
“What about it?” asked the other man in return.
“Well, we have had various government contracts, as well as receiving fairly regular subsidies over the years.”
“And you’d like to know why?”
“Yes,” the man behind the desk said assuredly.
“Because governments don’t have stock values that can increase,” the man in front of the desk said with an open-palmed gesture.
“Yes,” the man behind the desk said un-assuredly. He had not, in truth, thought of that fact, and had merely been looking to move the conversation forward.
“Well, they could see the company as a pillar of the economy, and therefore feel that its health and status are prudent.”
The man behind the desk nodded before asking, “But what do you think the actual reason is?”
“That we’re a very big company, so they’re just sort of supposed to give us a few million dollars a year without expecting anything in return,” the man in front of the desk said in a matter-of-fact way.
The man behind the desk nodded. “I agree with you there,” he said. “And I suppose that feeling is on top of the money the company gives in political donations.” After a thoughtful pause, he asked, “Who do we support again?”
“We don’t have a history of supporting any particular political party, if that’s what you're asking.”
“Ah, so we change up our support, depending on…”
“I should have clarified,” the man in front of the desk interrupted. “What I meant was that we do not support any party. At all.”
“But they still carve out subsidies for us?”
“Perhaps they assume we must be donating to someone somewhere.”
Looking away to think on the matter, the man behind the desk briefly stared through the window. His office was on the top floor, which typically afforded him a sweeping view of the metro skyline, but at this moment afforded him the increasing awareness that there were a number of floors between him and the street. Floors full of people working for a company that produced nothing.
“What are they all doing?”
“Sorry?”
“All of our employees. What are they doing right now?”
“Their jobs, hopefully,” the man in front of the desk said with a laugh. The other man’s silence caused him to shift uncomfortably -- though this was the first time his discomfort had not been caused by the chair. “I guess I don’t understand your question.”
“Well, if the company does not do anything, then what do our employees do? Do they just sit at their desks all day?”
“Oh, no, no. At least, not any more than in other companies of a comparable size. H.R. still has regular responsibilities, hirings and firings and dealing with health insurance. And the same can be said for P.R. or marketing -- our last Super Bowl commercial was fairly popular.”
“But why have a Super Bowl commercial for a company with no products?”
“Even for large corporations, it’s important to stay at the front of customers' minds.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“But besides marketing, there’s legal, accounting, oh, and of course my department -- the one that put together the report.”
“Are any of them aware that the company they work for doesn’t actually do anything?”
“I don’t believe that makes much difference for most workers.”
The man behind the desk let out another low, humming exhale. “Seems like we could offshore some of those positions, though,” he grumbled. “It’d be easy to find someone somewhere who could do nothing for cheaper.”
The other man leaned forward and angled his ear closer. “Sorry?”
Skipping over that topic, the man behind the desk pointed to the open document on his computer screen. “Has anyone on the board seen this yet?” he asked.
“Not yet,” the other man said, in a tone only belonging to those aware they are at the end of a business meeting. “I was holding off on that until I got the go-ahead from you.”
The man behind the desk thoughtfully drummed on it with the point of his middle finger. After a dozen beats, he said, “I think it may sound better coming directly from me. I’ll try and set up a call with them in the next few days.”
“Yes, I think that would be best, too,” the other man said.
“Oh, before you go,” the man behind the desk started. “Could you link up with P.R. and walk them through the report? I want to get a press release out as soon as possible.”
The man raised his eyebrows. “So, you want to make this public?” he asked.
“We’re a corporation worth tens of billions of dollars that does not actually do anything,” the man said. “They’ll put me on the cover of Forbes for this.”
Raising an open hand in gesture at the screens, the man behind the desk asked, “And this is all final, right? You aren’t expecting any revisions or updates or anything like that?”
He looked to the only other person in the room, who sat in one of the leather chairs on the other side of the desk. Both men were clearly of an income level in which they could dictate their own work attire but both were also of an age group where this simply meant nice jeans and a dress shirt without a tie.
The man in front of the desk, who had been sitting silently whilst the other man read, straightened himself as well as he could in the oddly-sloped chair and nodded as he spoke. “Yes, I would say so. We combed through every bit of information on the matter, and… yeah, I’d say it’s pretty conclusive.”
The man behind the desk swivelled his chair to the left, bringing his legs out from under the desk, giving him room to cross his right one over his left. “Well, I have to admit, I had suspected something like this for a while now, but seeing it laid out like this… It’s just…” He let out another humming exhale. “Nothing?”
“Nothing.” The uncomfortably-seated man swept a downward palm in front of himself in emphasis.
“No products,” said the man behind the desk.
“No products.”
“And no services.”
“No services.”
“We’re a Fortune 500 company.”
“Worth forty-eight billion dollars,” the man in front of the desk added.
“We operate in almost two dozen countries.”
“Sixty-five thousand employees, give or take, including subsidiaries, of course.”
“And we don’t produce anything?” the man behind the desk asked, shrugging his shoulders with palms held upwards in front of him.
The other man slowly shook his head from side to side. “No goods and no services.”
The man behind the desk stared into space for a second. “And the company is paid to do nothing?” he eventually asked.
“Well, I believe that a more apt way of phrasing it would be that we are paid without doing any specific actions expected in return. The way you put it before implied that the company is paid for the activity of doing nothing, which would actually mean we are being paid to do something… in a way.”
“But how can that be? Do you understand what I’m confused about here?”
“Oh, absolutely. Frankly, I’m still quite confused about the situation myself.”
“Did we used to do something?”
“Oh,” the man in front of the desk said, making a vague gesture with his hand. “There were hints of such activities in our findings but not anything recent. Not anything that would have made any impact on our current situation.”
The man behind the desk uncrossed his legs and leaned towards the man across from him. “But, we have contracts,” he said.
The other man sat silently for several seconds until it became abundantly clear to both parties that he was supposed to respond. “Yes… yes, we do. Um... and in fact those very same contracts make up a good deal of our findings.”
“And we deliver on these contracts?”
“To the letter with each and every one.”
“And those contracts…” the man behind the desk drew out his words in insinuation. “Say that we… don’t have to…”
“... do anything in particular. That is correct.”
“But we’re compensated for this, right?”
“Right.” The man in front of the desk delivered this word with a nod.
The affirmative answer to this question worked only to confuse the man behind the desk further, exhibited by rubbing his forehead with his right hand. “So, other companies pay us to do nothing… or nothing in particular. And in return they get…?”
“Well, taking a look at the sample of companies we’ve had contracts with, each saw a significant increase in their stock prices after announcing the contract with our corporation.”
“Oh, yes, yes. I remember saying that at the shareholders’ meeting a few years ago. Everyone was very impressed. But why does that happen?”
“Well, if forced to guess, I would say it’s because we are a very large company. So, doing business with us must mean that things are going in the right direction with said contracted company.”
The man behind the desk leaned back in his chair, interlocking his hands with the index fingers steepled. “I suppose that checks out,” he said through the index fingers in front of his mouth.
“And that includes our subsidiaries as well,” added the man in front of the desk.
“When other companies announce contracts with them, you mean?”
“Oh, I suppose so, yes, but I also meant that our subsidiaries’ stock value also increases whenever they announce a contract with us.”
The man behind the desk cocked his head to the side. “Wait, so we pay ourselves to do nothing?”
“Yes, but we do also pay our subsidiaries to do nothing. So, in a way, it equals out.”
“So you’re saying our subsidiaries also do nothing?”
“Um, yes, that is what I am saying.”
“But most of those were acquisitions. We really purchased companies that weren’t doing anything?”
“Oh no, most were doing something at the time of acquisition, don’t get me wrong, but afterwards, that activity was phased out or sold off as a cost-saving measure.”
“But the revenue continued to come in?”
“Correct.”
The man behind the desk reclined in thought for a moment. “One of those subsidiaries has a very popular subscription program,” he stated. “Is that no longer running? We talked about that for quite some time during the last shareholders’ meeting.”
“No, the subscription service is still going strong. It’s just that…”
“It doesn’t provide anything. Why do you think somebody would subscribe to something they don’t get anything from?”
“Perhaps people just assumed they should be subscribed to it and simply forgot.”
“Seems silly…” the man behind the desk said, though trailed off, pondering over whether or not he himself had a paid subscription to the aforementioned subsidiary. Looking to move on, he quickly asked, “What about the government?”
“What about it?” asked the other man in return.
“Well, we have had various government contracts, as well as receiving fairly regular subsidies over the years.”
“And you’d like to know why?”
“Yes,” the man behind the desk said assuredly.
“Because governments don’t have stock values that can increase,” the man in front of the desk said with an open-palmed gesture.
“Yes,” the man behind the desk said un-assuredly. He had not, in truth, thought of that fact, and had merely been looking to move the conversation forward.
“Well, they could see the company as a pillar of the economy, and therefore feel that its health and status are prudent.”
The man behind the desk nodded before asking, “But what do you think the actual reason is?”
“That we’re a very big company, so they’re just sort of supposed to give us a few million dollars a year without expecting anything in return,” the man in front of the desk said in a matter-of-fact way.
The man behind the desk nodded. “I agree with you there,” he said. “And I suppose that feeling is on top of the money the company gives in political donations.” After a thoughtful pause, he asked, “Who do we support again?”
“We don’t have a history of supporting any particular political party, if that’s what you're asking.”
“Ah, so we change up our support, depending on…”
“I should have clarified,” the man in front of the desk interrupted. “What I meant was that we do not support any party. At all.”
“But they still carve out subsidies for us?”
“Perhaps they assume we must be donating to someone somewhere.”
Looking away to think on the matter, the man behind the desk briefly stared through the window. His office was on the top floor, which typically afforded him a sweeping view of the metro skyline, but at this moment afforded him the increasing awareness that there were a number of floors between him and the street. Floors full of people working for a company that produced nothing.
“What are they all doing?”
“Sorry?”
“All of our employees. What are they doing right now?”
“Their jobs, hopefully,” the man in front of the desk said with a laugh. The other man’s silence caused him to shift uncomfortably -- though this was the first time his discomfort had not been caused by the chair. “I guess I don’t understand your question.”
“Well, if the company does not do anything, then what do our employees do? Do they just sit at their desks all day?”
“Oh, no, no. At least, not any more than in other companies of a comparable size. H.R. still has regular responsibilities, hirings and firings and dealing with health insurance. And the same can be said for P.R. or marketing -- our last Super Bowl commercial was fairly popular.”
“But why have a Super Bowl commercial for a company with no products?”
“Even for large corporations, it’s important to stay at the front of customers' minds.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“But besides marketing, there’s legal, accounting, oh, and of course my department -- the one that put together the report.”
“Are any of them aware that the company they work for doesn’t actually do anything?”
“I don’t believe that makes much difference for most workers.”
The man behind the desk let out another low, humming exhale. “Seems like we could offshore some of those positions, though,” he grumbled. “It’d be easy to find someone somewhere who could do nothing for cheaper.”
The other man leaned forward and angled his ear closer. “Sorry?”
Skipping over that topic, the man behind the desk pointed to the open document on his computer screen. “Has anyone on the board seen this yet?” he asked.
“Not yet,” the other man said, in a tone only belonging to those aware they are at the end of a business meeting. “I was holding off on that until I got the go-ahead from you.”
The man behind the desk thoughtfully drummed on it with the point of his middle finger. After a dozen beats, he said, “I think it may sound better coming directly from me. I’ll try and set up a call with them in the next few days.”
“Yes, I think that would be best, too,” the other man said.
“Oh, before you go,” the man behind the desk started. “Could you link up with P.R. and walk them through the report? I want to get a press release out as soon as possible.”
The man raised his eyebrows. “So, you want to make this public?” he asked.
“We’re a corporation worth tens of billions of dollars that does not actually do anything,” the man said. “They’ll put me on the cover of Forbes for this.”