Angel Pies
By Errin Arkwright
(An old recipe from Har'an K'turv translated into English.)
This is recommended for those with vocal problems or for couples having difficulties conceiving.
Ingredients
- 1 angel (Preferably fresh, the younger the better. Any source is fine. Angels are to be found in three places: At the top of the World Tree photo-synthesizing sunlight, in the excreted dreag contained in the final breath of a dying virgin, or singing in the shades attendant at the weddings of the Star Folk. As the location of the World Tree is still very much in speculation, either of the latter two sources are reliable.
Catching an angel requires skill, courage, and a good medium-to-large-size club.
These beings should be stored in an airtight bottle made of the finest quartzumium glass in a cool, dry place. On capture they immediately shrink into themselves and burn like golden candle-flames which give no heat, an evolved defence mechanism which ironically makes catching them rather easy.)
- Roll-out pastry (or you can make your own if you prefer—please see the recipe for Astrian pastry on page nineteen.)
- Gravy(optional)
Equipment
- A hot oven (666 degrees Celzior. A brick kiln may be more efficacious, but it does not matter if you cannot access one.)
- A large meat tenderizer
- A Reginrok magnetizer
- A baking dish.
- A rolling pin.
Method
WARNING: Ensure all windows and doors, including zraka-flaps, are properly closed before proceeding. Soundproofing is recommended. On being released from its bottle, the angel will either screech at a lethal pitch causing your neurons to boil, or sing the hymn of Time to beguile you into boiling your own neurons. Adopting the Einyas method of plugging your aural nodes with soft candle-wax is advisable.
Step One: Remove the halo. Along with step two, this can be the trickiest part. Angels are highly attached to their halos and will attempt to vivisect anyone who tries to touch them. This is where the Reginrok magnetizer comes in useful; have it plugged in on standby somewhere inconspicuous before taking the angel out of storage. The best way to remove its halo is to distract the angel first. Ask it philosophical questions; seduce it; conduct a conversation using circular logic; let it play with your pet zraka, if you possess one; or cook it a nice meal. (For instructions on how to make ambrosia, see page thirty-two.) Once it is engrossed, switch on the magnetizer and watch as your angel's halo schwees across the room (along with any other objects in your kitchen that vibrate at three times the speed of light. For this we apologize.)
Congratulations. You now have a winged light-demon.
Step Two: Once you have successfully rescued/resuscitated your zraka, you may proceed to remove the wings of the demon. By this stage it should be flapping at you in a mad frenzy, so there is no need to worry about enticing or distracting it. Simply grasp hold of a wing with both of your top forelimbs and pull. Being made mostly of photons and electrons with wings attached, the force exerted on the latter will eventually cause the rest of the body to disperse into a gentle Saturnian mist, which can be cleaned up later.
In seventy percent of cases, death to the cook will occur through the use of telekinetic storms on behalf of the light-demon. We advise that you get someone else to de-halo and de-wing for you. If not, there is always the vegetarian option, though this does not cure vocal issues or infertility, because it is just biscuits with gravy.
Step Three:
Pluck the feathers and leave to one side. Roll out pastry and line the dish with it, chop the meat as you like it, put it in the pastry-lined dish and cover with gravy and more of the pastry. Put in the top shelf of the oven (or kiln) at 666 degrees Celzior (1,230 degrees Fearrenhz) for seven days.
Footnote:
Now you may open the windows, as there will be an evil smell.
If this dish is eaten by a mute, they will develop a clear ringing voice (if so, keep them away from glass) or if ingested by an infertile female mate, she will become pregnant within three weeks. The offspring will be androgynous and decidedly chickenish, but Angel Pie is delicious and, of course, the feathers make an excellent garnish.
This is recommended for those with vocal problems or for couples having difficulties conceiving.
Ingredients
- 1 angel (Preferably fresh, the younger the better. Any source is fine. Angels are to be found in three places: At the top of the World Tree photo-synthesizing sunlight, in the excreted dreag contained in the final breath of a dying virgin, or singing in the shades attendant at the weddings of the Star Folk. As the location of the World Tree is still very much in speculation, either of the latter two sources are reliable.
Catching an angel requires skill, courage, and a good medium-to-large-size club.
These beings should be stored in an airtight bottle made of the finest quartzumium glass in a cool, dry place. On capture they immediately shrink into themselves and burn like golden candle-flames which give no heat, an evolved defence mechanism which ironically makes catching them rather easy.)
- Roll-out pastry (or you can make your own if you prefer—please see the recipe for Astrian pastry on page nineteen.)
- Gravy(optional)
Equipment
- A hot oven (666 degrees Celzior. A brick kiln may be more efficacious, but it does not matter if you cannot access one.)
- A large meat tenderizer
- A Reginrok magnetizer
- A baking dish.
- A rolling pin.
Method
WARNING: Ensure all windows and doors, including zraka-flaps, are properly closed before proceeding. Soundproofing is recommended. On being released from its bottle, the angel will either screech at a lethal pitch causing your neurons to boil, or sing the hymn of Time to beguile you into boiling your own neurons. Adopting the Einyas method of plugging your aural nodes with soft candle-wax is advisable.
Step One: Remove the halo. Along with step two, this can be the trickiest part. Angels are highly attached to their halos and will attempt to vivisect anyone who tries to touch them. This is where the Reginrok magnetizer comes in useful; have it plugged in on standby somewhere inconspicuous before taking the angel out of storage. The best way to remove its halo is to distract the angel first. Ask it philosophical questions; seduce it; conduct a conversation using circular logic; let it play with your pet zraka, if you possess one; or cook it a nice meal. (For instructions on how to make ambrosia, see page thirty-two.) Once it is engrossed, switch on the magnetizer and watch as your angel's halo schwees across the room (along with any other objects in your kitchen that vibrate at three times the speed of light. For this we apologize.)
Congratulations. You now have a winged light-demon.
Step Two: Once you have successfully rescued/resuscitated your zraka, you may proceed to remove the wings of the demon. By this stage it should be flapping at you in a mad frenzy, so there is no need to worry about enticing or distracting it. Simply grasp hold of a wing with both of your top forelimbs and pull. Being made mostly of photons and electrons with wings attached, the force exerted on the latter will eventually cause the rest of the body to disperse into a gentle Saturnian mist, which can be cleaned up later.
In seventy percent of cases, death to the cook will occur through the use of telekinetic storms on behalf of the light-demon. We advise that you get someone else to de-halo and de-wing for you. If not, there is always the vegetarian option, though this does not cure vocal issues or infertility, because it is just biscuits with gravy.
Step Three:
Pluck the feathers and leave to one side. Roll out pastry and line the dish with it, chop the meat as you like it, put it in the pastry-lined dish and cover with gravy and more of the pastry. Put in the top shelf of the oven (or kiln) at 666 degrees Celzior (1,230 degrees Fearrenhz) for seven days.
Footnote:
Now you may open the windows, as there will be an evil smell.
If this dish is eaten by a mute, they will develop a clear ringing voice (if so, keep them away from glass) or if ingested by an infertile female mate, she will become pregnant within three weeks. The offspring will be androgynous and decidedly chickenish, but Angel Pie is delicious and, of course, the feathers make an excellent garnish.