Esperanto
by Kevin Ahern
Esperanto was created by Polish ophthalmologist L. L. Zamenhof in 1887 to foster world peace and international understanding. Like so many things that have fragmented since the language’s creation, Esperanto too has split into families of related dialects. Here are a few of the leading variants.
Espresso-peranto - the language Starbucks baristas communicate in when they scrawl your name and drink options on a cup. Said to be the hardest handwritten language in the world to decipher.
Guessperanto - conceived as an unwritten, unspoken language for passive-aggressives, Guessperanto is the choice for mind readers. Using Guessperanto, one partner of a couple having “issues” with the other can respect communication requests while retaining their snit.
LochNessperanto - the language of conspiracy theorists, LochNessperanto is the easiest way to describe things that aren’t there, like the NBA title hopes of the Washington Wizards, Kanye West’s humility, and the Republican party's plan post-Trump.
Dressforsuccessperanto - though long spoken in stodgy old men’s clothing stores, Dressforsuccessperanto took off when it transitioned to the language of choice for working women. Language use experienced a dip with Zooming, but experts expect it to recover with new adjectives coming online to address camera appearance from the waist up.
Congressperanto - restricted solely to the lawmaker class at federal, state, and local levels, Congressperanto involves much being spoken, little being said, and nothing being done. See also Meaninglessperanto.
Pressperanto - language of the fourth estate. The written form of Pressperanto is experiencing a precipitous decline in usage, a phenomenon coincident with the rise of TV and AM Radio talking heads - see also Meaninglessperanto.
Meaninglessperanto - with the lowest meaning per syllable of any tongue, Meaninglessperanto is understood by everyone, but is impossible to say anything intelligent in. Spoken on cable, streaming, and most evening news channels, the language’s low syllabic content (no more than three per word) is counterbalanced by its enormous number of speakers, a list that includes at least one ex-President, most of Congress, and several chimpanzees.
Helplessnessperanto - the language of anyone with a flat tire who wants someone else to fix it.
Torontoperanto - a northern form of Esperanto said to “hibernate” in winter from the rest of its users. Torontoperantans do not use actual words, communicating instead with calmness, smiling, and inflections at the ends of sentences.
Messperanto - the talk of mothers, Messperanto derives its name from their admonition to “clean up your room and PER-ONTO.”
Digressperanto - the language of Facebook debates, Digressperanto empowers writers to convert normal discussions about things like puppies into threatening diatribes of hatred, villainy, taxation without representation, socialism, capitalism, communism, vegetarianism, environmentalism, fascism, the welfare state, Katy Perry, and space lasers.
Confessperanto - native to a motley crew of speakers, Confessperanto is popular with legal plea bargainers, Catholics, wayward spouses, and people sharing a refrigerator.
Blessperanto - The only language in the world consisting of a single German word. Mostly used after hearing someone sneeze.
Paylessperanto - the language of choice of the retail industry, its words being deployed by sellers of cars, shoes, groceries, clothing, and limited time offers of magazine subscriptions, among others. Notable as the only form of Esperanto to include the % and $ symbols as letters.
Chessperanto - the language of stalemates. Also known as Congressperanto.
Caressperanto - in the romance category of languages, Caressperanto is a body language native to surprisingly diverse and unrelated groups of people, primarily lovers and (disturbingly) lechers.
Uppercaseperanto - a mode of communication written in all capital letters, question marks, and exclamation points. It permits one to easily demonstrate their inability to make cogent arguments using just words. The spoken form of the language is shouted. Uppercaseperanto speakers are often fluent in Digressperanto.
Espresso-peranto - the language Starbucks baristas communicate in when they scrawl your name and drink options on a cup. Said to be the hardest handwritten language in the world to decipher.
Guessperanto - conceived as an unwritten, unspoken language for passive-aggressives, Guessperanto is the choice for mind readers. Using Guessperanto, one partner of a couple having “issues” with the other can respect communication requests while retaining their snit.
LochNessperanto - the language of conspiracy theorists, LochNessperanto is the easiest way to describe things that aren’t there, like the NBA title hopes of the Washington Wizards, Kanye West’s humility, and the Republican party's plan post-Trump.
Dressforsuccessperanto - though long spoken in stodgy old men’s clothing stores, Dressforsuccessperanto took off when it transitioned to the language of choice for working women. Language use experienced a dip with Zooming, but experts expect it to recover with new adjectives coming online to address camera appearance from the waist up.
Congressperanto - restricted solely to the lawmaker class at federal, state, and local levels, Congressperanto involves much being spoken, little being said, and nothing being done. See also Meaninglessperanto.
Pressperanto - language of the fourth estate. The written form of Pressperanto is experiencing a precipitous decline in usage, a phenomenon coincident with the rise of TV and AM Radio talking heads - see also Meaninglessperanto.
Meaninglessperanto - with the lowest meaning per syllable of any tongue, Meaninglessperanto is understood by everyone, but is impossible to say anything intelligent in. Spoken on cable, streaming, and most evening news channels, the language’s low syllabic content (no more than three per word) is counterbalanced by its enormous number of speakers, a list that includes at least one ex-President, most of Congress, and several chimpanzees.
Helplessnessperanto - the language of anyone with a flat tire who wants someone else to fix it.
Torontoperanto - a northern form of Esperanto said to “hibernate” in winter from the rest of its users. Torontoperantans do not use actual words, communicating instead with calmness, smiling, and inflections at the ends of sentences.
Messperanto - the talk of mothers, Messperanto derives its name from their admonition to “clean up your room and PER-ONTO.”
Digressperanto - the language of Facebook debates, Digressperanto empowers writers to convert normal discussions about things like puppies into threatening diatribes of hatred, villainy, taxation without representation, socialism, capitalism, communism, vegetarianism, environmentalism, fascism, the welfare state, Katy Perry, and space lasers.
Confessperanto - native to a motley crew of speakers, Confessperanto is popular with legal plea bargainers, Catholics, wayward spouses, and people sharing a refrigerator.
Blessperanto - The only language in the world consisting of a single German word. Mostly used after hearing someone sneeze.
Paylessperanto - the language of choice of the retail industry, its words being deployed by sellers of cars, shoes, groceries, clothing, and limited time offers of magazine subscriptions, among others. Notable as the only form of Esperanto to include the % and $ symbols as letters.
Chessperanto - the language of stalemates. Also known as Congressperanto.
Caressperanto - in the romance category of languages, Caressperanto is a body language native to surprisingly diverse and unrelated groups of people, primarily lovers and (disturbingly) lechers.
Uppercaseperanto - a mode of communication written in all capital letters, question marks, and exclamation points. It permits one to easily demonstrate their inability to make cogent arguments using just words. The spoken form of the language is shouted. Uppercaseperanto speakers are often fluent in Digressperanto.